Classic car mechanic – Three’s a crowd

‘In the corner of the workshop, Olli Ragbin sits watching events unfold before him’

‘He can be a funny old stick sometimes you know’ said Ingrid one evening. ‘And if you think he’s funny, you should see the other two’. A little know fact is that Eric is actually one of three. Triplets run in the Collins family apparently.

Ingrid is quite obviously very fond of Eric though. We all are. But he does have some unusual habits. This week in the workshop for instance, in the Monday morning huddle, he announced that we were only going to accept pastel-coloured cars.

‘What about white?’ young Chris piped up.

‘Only if Italian’ said Eric firmly.

It’s pointless arguing with the gaffer when he’s in one of those moods, so pastel and Italian white it is then.

Before we move on to the workshop summary, an apology.

Eric has taken to texting the team their instructions from the warm confines of the CCM sauna between bouts of self-thrashing with the birch twigs. His primary role of CCM photographer has been somewhat compromised as a result. It’s the only explanation for the steamed-up look to some of this week’s snaps

Relaxing pre-work sauna aside, first out of the traps is my personal favourite. This stunning Alfa GT. What is it about Italian design? Just drink in the details. The secondary lights replaced by gauze air intakes. The racing stripe deftly applied to the right side of the car. The shape and the scale of this little racer is quite simply bang on the money.

It’s in for electrical work which will no doubts mean we’ll be breaking out the lord and master of all things ‘coloured spaghetti’, Shrimp eye Justin.

Health and safety is exceptionally important in any professional workshop. Dr Ray flouted all the adhesive safety guidelines on Tuesday and found himself glued by the cheek to one of my workshop towels. Shrimp eye Justin’s immediately reverse-moonwalked to the first aid kit. He could sense the seriousness of the situation and didn’t waste time turning around or any other such wastefully unnecessary manoeuvres.

The car that won ‘pastel of the week’ by out pastelling all comers was this Chrysler. A classic from a time where car design was all about the straight line and the boxy look.

It’s not often that we see grown men weeping in the workshop. This week the tears were flowing though and the culprit? This oil filter removed from a perennial CCM favourite, a Range Rover (the one and only non-pastel model allowed near the ramps).

Some folk treat their cars as if they were delicate Fabergé eggs. Others like ‘em for what they are, and that is just transport. This particular Rangey probably falls into the latter category.

The techs can sort it, but this is what an oil filter looks like after dealing with engine oil older than me.

We are likely to say goodbye to 2 friends this week. Eric & I’s Suzuki SRAD 750 crazy 90’s sports bike is currently under a reasonable offer and is likely to depart the workshop this very afternoon. I think between us we’ve done less than 1,000 miles and have done none of the track days we had planned.

It did however have a couple of services whilst in our care, one by Eric and one by me. (I’m not counting all the secondary work needed and carried out by the techs following my ham-fisted bafoonery).

Both Eric and I are somewhat nervous about the replacement we’ve lined up. It’s big, black and probably quite angry. Whilst our old Suzuki went like a scalded cat, riding the new one will be akin to saddling a panther and then flicking its arse with a wet towel. Lordy lord.

The other departure is the long-serving CCM L322 Range Rover, currently in my care.

R2 (R-squared) landed in my stable directly from Eric’s ownership 3 years ago. Since then it’s been a pleasure to own…other than one thing….. the famous JLR reliability. Rangey ownership is a mixed blessing. Incredible cars. Brilliant on distances, practical, boxy design taken to the next level of boxiness. I just love em. Eric’s still got R2’s replacement ‘two-R-squared’. But you do run the gauntlet of less than perfectly engineered Britishness.

At the beginning of the year I said I’d make a call on continued ownership as the bills were becoming more regular than I was able to justify. R2’s copy book was finally blotted by an ‘engine system management’ fault, announced in usual style by 2 bongs from the dashboard and a loss of power at a particularly fast and busy point on an uphill stretch of motorway in Sussex. I must confess to a stream of adjectives that would curdle milk. And with that, the decision was made.

Two mistakes followed in quick succession. Mistake one, I went out on my own and bought a replacement without any supervision whatsoever and importantly, without consulting the tech team. Mistake two, I told Eric what I’d done.

In consequence there hath been much fury, wailing and general teeth-gnashing in the workshop and most are now affording me the cold shoulder.

‘How could you’ said more than one pair of eyes as I skunked about quietly in my corner of the garage.

Those who know me understand very well my penchant for cars of significant length and will do no more than raise a weary eyebrow on news of the new whip. It’s an Audi and not a classic.

The CCM boys had suggested the only acceptable Audi would be the Quattro racing coupe.

A Quattro racing coupe it is not.

My only saving grace is the fact that I didn’t go for the ridiculously lengthy ‘long wheelbase’ version. As it is, this one is longer than a current version Rangey. Box ticked in my mind. I always did like a car which you needed to phone ahead for permission to park (berth).

Moving on....

(Clive, the first of the Collin’s triplets by 4 minutes, moonwalking back from rapturous audience applause)

(Basil, the youngest Triplet. The bad boy of the family and currently wanted by police forces from 3 counties. If you’ve seen any of these 4, please do not approach. Ring the authorities and probably lay low for a good while).

That about wraps it up for this week. Out with the old, in with the new, family reunions and me in the car-purchasing dog-house. Standard week in the workshop really.

From the CMM team, Eric, Siobhan, Dr Ray, Shrimp-eye Justin, Young Chris, Izzi, Ingrid, and the balance of the Collins triplets, have a wonderful week one and all.